I Prefer Anal Sex - but Is It Safe?

Vaginal sex has never been any good for me. It's not especially painful -only at first and then I feel mostly numb and a bit icky. I've always done it in relationships, but when my fiancé guessed I didn't like it much we stopped completely. That was over a year ago. Since then we've explored alternatives and our sex life is great. I've found the best way for me to orgasm is through anal sex and using a vibrator on my clitoris. My boyfriend, I think, would prefer vaginal. Last night I went to a talk about women,confidence and pleasure. One of the speakers was asked about anal sex and said it was just something that was fashionable - that no woman likes it;those who do it are just pretending to be cool to keep their boyfriends happy;and that men who want it are likelygay or bi. They also said it's a health risk and harms your body, but didn't explain how. This has made me very anxious. Should we stop?

I wasn't at the talk you went to -but it's a real shame you left an event about 'women, confidence and pleasure' feeling worried and uncertain.

It's also not clear if the speaker was sharing their own opinions about anal sex, or if they were speaking in a more official, educational capacity.

Either way it doesn't really matter.

They may have their reasons for disapproving of anal sex. But not all they said was accurate.

Anal sex is something people have done throughout history. So it's not a 'new' fashion.

That said, public conversations about anal sex have changed in recent years. This is partly due to discussing anal sex being a necessary part of sexual health care and sex education; and partly due to shifting taboos in what's seen as sexually 'acceptable'.

Not to mention changes in mainstream media, self-help and porn - where in an effort to seem new, edgy, and exciting the depiction of anal sex has become more commonplace.

Being able to talk about anal sex, as with any other kind of sex, allows us to discuss pleasure, choice, consent and wellbeing. But it also can lead to the problem of anal sex being presented as something everyone ought to be doing in order to seem like they're having an exciting and exotic sex life.

This might explain the speaker at your event - who perhaps was concerned some people may feel pressured into doing something they don't enjoy in order to keep a partner happy.

There have been anecdotal reports and research findings that suggest people, particularly young women, do feel pressured into having anal sex when they dislike it. Here, anal sex is presented as painful, degrading and risky. So that might also tally with what you were told.

However, it's a cause for concern if someone is being pressured into any kind of sex they dislike or find painful. This is not unique to anal. Any kind of touching or penetration you're coerced or forced into that hurts you physically and emotionally is wrong and understandably liable to leave you feeling upset.

There are also those who see anal sex as in itself as degrading. As it's often linked with men who have sex with men, disapproval of anal sex can be caused by internalised (or overt) biphobia or homophobia; or HIV stigma Or the link with anal sex, bums and poo also stops it appealing to people who might view it as smelly or dirty.

For the record, there are plenty of gay men who don't enjoy anal at all and never do it.

Wanting to penetrate a partner or be penetrated is not a sign a man is gay or bi. People of all genders and sexualities can enjoy anal sex. Just as they can also never want to try it, or decide to give it a go but find it isn't for them.

There are always risks with anal sex (as there are with oral or genital sex) about infections (STIs) ,cuts, bruising or tears if your partner is too rough. You can also potentially pass on bacterial infections like e-coli or salmonella through rimming or putting fingers, sex toys or a penis in your bum and then into your vagina, or either of your mouths.

However, if you are relaxed, using a lubricant, using dental dams for rimming, and using condoms to cover his penis or sex toys you're using for penetration (use a new one for different places - mouth, vagina or bum), and stopping if anything is uncomfortable, then you should be fine.

If, however, you still don't feel reassured you can get more information about safer anal sex via Tristan Taormino's 'The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women' . And if you're under 25 you can get free advice (and condoms and dams) from Brook While enjoying anal is evidently your preference and choice, I did want to pick up on why you don't like vaginal sex. You say " It's not especially painful, I just feel mostly numb during it and it feels a bit icky".

I don't want to talk you into something you don't like, but if vaginal sex has always been a source of physical discomfort it might be worth finding out why, rather than dismissing it.

It could be that past partners haven't been as attentive or careful as your fiancé. Or it could be there's a physical reason for the discomfort on penetration - or the subsequent numbness. Ensuring you're up to date with smear tests and having a checkup at a GU clinic if there might be any chance you could have an STI would be a good idea - and carried out in complete confidence.

Sometimes people feel 'icky' as you describe because being touched in a particular place doesn't work for them. But sometimes 'icky' is a byword for feeling anxious, afraid, embarrassed, ashamed or disgusted.

That may be down to being told negative things about sex in the past. Or not being given much in the way of sex education. Or it could be due to sexual abuse and/or genital trauma. If the reason you're avoiding vaginal sex is because of past abuse then NAPAC could offer support, and therapy may well benefit you.

It may be vaginal sex is never going to be your thing. But if there are underlying reasons for avoiding it, exploring and addressing those is sensible. Regardless of whether you want to ever have vaginal sex again.

You and your partner clearly have worked out together what feels nice for you, and you are certainly not unique in experiencing powerful orgasms through combined clitoral stimulation and anal penetration.

Building on the connection you have, you may want to also look to find what feels good for you that doesn't involve penetration or genitally-focused sex. Talking, kissing, cuddling, sharing fantasies, exploring what kind of touch feels nice across each of your bodies broadens out what pleasure could mean to the both of you. You can get a lot more ideas of what might be good for the both of you via:

Talking also to your fiancé is also important as you've mentioned they're OK with anal because you like it, but might prefer vaginal penetration. Being certain your partner is genuinely fine with anal sex is important, just to be sure they're not going along with it - like you used to with vaginal sex.

If it's the case they'd prefer not to do anal sex so much you could explore oral sex together; and they might use strap ons or other sex toys to penetrate you anally.

I hope you find this reassuring. A far shorter reply is 'if it works for you, it works for you'. You don't have to set your sexual life by other people's standards. But checking everything is safe and consensual, as you've done here, is always a good idea.

Petra Boynton is a social psychologist and sex researcher working in International Health Care and studying sex and relationships. She is The Telegraph's agony aunt.

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