Pillows to Scream into, Rated

Sure, weve all screamed into a pillow during a major life crisis or while trying to keep up with world events. But have we screamed into the best pillow? Here are reviews of some options.

Much like the inflexibility of circumstance, there is precious little bend here. Attempts to scream into this U-shaped neck cushion are not entirely failed, but the experience remains ineffective at best, and at worst disruptive to your housemates because of the hole in the middle of the pillow. Though a puffy cylinder may act as a decent muffler for your cries of despair, it does not cover your whole face.

You want a pillow you can sink the entirety of the front head quadrant into to better disappear a pillow that makes you think: I have not wedged my face into a pillow. I have wedged my face into a chaise longue in a remote British manor full of topiaries, exquisite food and calm. Tomorrow I will venture to the stable and lead the hounds for a run through my many acres.

This pillow activates allergies and leaves you congested, as do your tears, which lately have been plentiful. This is not a pillow. Please do not scream into your dog unless necessary.

If you must scream into your dog, do so into the fleshy middle area, not the front or back. You may find screaming into your dog less isolating than screaming into an inanimate object, since your dog is familiar and loves you. If it does not bite you out of fear, the dog may detect your pain and lick your forehead after it resituates to move away from your screaming face.

Dogs are an anomaly of goodness in an otherwise blighted universe. Getting a dog was an excellent idea good for you. Since foam is sufficiently sound-absorbent, your roommates wont detect you retching bottomless rage until your vocal cords wear out.

A wonderful deposit for the sudden fury that occasionally burns through your numbness. The one drawback is that foam compresses when you apply force, so it may exacerbate the feeling that everything solid and dependable is slipping away. While generous in surface area, the armrest pillow is cumbersome and not the ideal pillow to hold to your face while shrieking expletives.

No, dont scream into your grandma. Though an excellent source of comfort and support, your grandmother is a human being, not a pillow. However, feel free to hug Grandma and call her.

She likes to hear from you. Truly the ideal in scream-purpose pillows! It provides just the right amount of muffling to contain your wrath, and its presence hints at a mattress nearby for you to punch during a fit of catharsis.

Best of all, if the horrors of the day visit you in your sleep, this pillow is conveniently located under your head to un-blood-curdle your screams. Amy Collier (@Amy_Corp) is a writer in Boston. Follow The New York Times Opinion section on Facebook and Twitter (@NYTopinion), and sign up for the Opinion Today newsletter.